How to defend yourself without offending someone
In this article: Practice assertive communication Listen to others Related articles References
To defend yourself, you have to have confidence in yourself. To know what other people are feeling, you have to be careful. By using assertive communication skills, you can demonstrate what you want while respecting others.
Part
1
Practice assertive communication
1
Recognize the difference between an assertive response and an aggressive response. Being assertive means standing up for yourself and sharing your thoughts and feelings with others. You should not hurt others with your words. On the contrary, you should express your point of view. Aggressive language occurs when you put others down. You might be proving your point at the expense of another [1] .
Here is an example of assertive communication: Pauline, I would like you to be more open to my personal situation at the present time. My brother is sick, so I can't come to training as often . To learn more, read the article How to be assertive .
Here is an example of aggressive communication: Pauline, you are a very mean girl. I don't see how anyone could be so insensitive to someone whose brother is very ill. Do you at least have a heart?
2
Use assertive body language. Stand upright with your shoulders back. Straighten up and avoid leaning against the wall. Keep your head up and look people in the eye. Rather than crossing your arms, hold them along your body or even on your hips. If you're seated, keep your legs uncrossed and your feet planted firmly on the floor.
3
Stick to using the first person singular in your comments. Instead of using the accusatory You , rephrase your answer with I. For example, say I feel bad when you ignore my needs instead of You always forget that I need you to drop me off . By emphasizing the first person singular, you are less likely to accuse someone. Instead, you engage in a dialogue [2] .
4
Don't get defensive [3] . When defending yourself, try to state the facts. Don't just defend yourself. For example, saying Pauline, you are unfair! will not be effective. While it's important to say someone hurt you, also explain why. Saying you're sad is fine, as long as people know why. Try saying the following sentence.
You might say Pauline, I don't think you understand why I miss practice so often. My brother is very sick and my family travels twice a week and has an hour to visit him in the hospital. I currently want to get more involved in the team, but right now my brother is more important. I hope you understand this.
5
Remember that you have chosen the merit of your thoughts. If someone belittles you, tell yourself that no one can make your thoughts useless [4] . If you think about the latter, it means that they have value even if that does not mean that they are always right. So be aware of the whole situation and try to keep an open mind.
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6
Explain cultural and lifestyle differences. Not all conflicts need to be resolved. Sometimes you just have to simply explain your motivations. Some level of tension is normal in any relationship [5] .
For example, your religion may prohibit alcohol and for this reason you don't want alcohol served at a joint birthday party. Although your friend may disagree, if she realizes the topic is important for religious reasons, she may be more inclined to agree.
Part
2
Listen to others
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1
Stay calm. When you are in conflict with others, take a deep breath. Don't react instantly. Make sure you're calm enough to approach a topic rationally.
If you're not calm and ready to talk about something, say so. For example, put it this way: Please allow me a five-minute break. Then I can come back to our situation.
Try counting to ten while breathing gently from your diaphragm. Slowly release your breath.
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2
Let others speak. When you're in conflict with someone, listen to their side of the story too. Don't interrupt him. Even if you have to defend yourself, you will need to be aware of his perspective. This will help you communicate more effectively.
Don't dismiss other people's thoughts as nonsense . This is aggressive and unproductive behavior.
Show that you are listening by making verbal and visual signs. Nod your head and look the person in the eye [7] . Give verbal responses like okay , yes , mhmm .
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3
Summarize the other person's thoughts. When your interlocutor has finished speaking, repeat what you understood from their words. This will prevent any misunderstandings. It is also proof that you are trying to understand the other person.
For example, you could say Pauline, hearing you talk, I have the impression that you are insinuating that I am the weak link in our football team. I don't come to practice as often as you want. Is not it ?
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4
Ask questions. After your friend has given his point of view, take the time to clarify any questions or doubts you have. Asking questions shows a deeper interest than simply accepting what the other is saying. Also, if someone is hesitant to give their point of view, ask them specific questions [8] .
You might say Pauline, I noticed you seem frustrated around me. Did I do something that offended you? She might not be angry because you are the weak link in the team. She could be irritated because of your absenteeism. She might see real potential in you and be frustrated that you're not getting involved as much as possible.
Advice
If you hurt someone, apologize right away.
Don't say anything to intentionally hurt someone.
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